The Frostwire2 min ago
Migration
Penguins Spotted Booking Airbnbs in Florida; Hosts 'Surprisingly Chill'
Local hosts report unusually polite guests who 'mostly stand in the freezer.'
EMERGENCY ADVISORYFROST LEVEL: CATASTROPHICPENGUINS REPORTED IN PHOENIXSOUP RESERVES DEPLETINGDO NOT LICK ANY POLESREMAIN INDOORS, REMAIN INSULATEDEMERGENCY ADVISORYFROST LEVEL: CATASTROPHICPENGUINS REPORTED IN PHOENIXSOUP RESERVES DEPLETINGDO NOT LICK ANY POLESREMAIN INDOORS, REMAIN INSULATEDEMERGENCY ADVISORYFROST LEVEL: CATASTROPHICPENGUINS REPORTED IN PHOENIXSOUP RESERVES DEPLETINGDO NOT LICK ANY POLESREMAIN INDOORS, REMAIN INSULATED
Section A
News Desk
Updated continuously by correspondents we have not been able to reach in several hours.
Glacial Times11 min ago
Botany
Scientists Confirm Your Houseplants Are Quietly Plotting an Exit
A monstera in Brooklyn has reportedly drafted a will.
Permafrost Post23 min ago
Policy
Government Releases Official Mitten Stockpile Guidelines: 'Two Per Hand, Minimum'
Officials clarify thumbs are 'non-negotiable.'
The Frostwire47 min ago
Human Interest
Local Man Insists He's 'Fine in a Hoodie,' Authorities Disagree
He has been issued a strongly worded scarf.
Tundra Today1 hr ago
Wildlife
Woolly Mammoth Spotted at Costco; Bought Entirely Too Much Frozen Pizza
Cashier described the encounter as 'large but courteous.'
Glacial Times2 hr ago
Celestial
Sun Issues Statement: 'I'm Doing My Best, Please Stop Yelling'
Solar representatives request more emotional space.
Permafrost Post3 hr ago
Policy
City Council Approves Mandatory Hot Cocoa Breaks
Marshmallows funded by an emergency budget rider.
Tundra Today4 hr ago
Community
Polar Bears Form HOA, Begin Aggressively Issuing Fines
Violation #1: insufficient blubber.
The Frostwire5 hr ago
Tech
Weather App Adds New Category: 'Existential'
Update includes a crying snowflake emoji.